The slides on this page were obtained from a confidential source inside the company. No changes have been made to the content.
Artist’s Rendition of Dr. Tara Snyder, Head Scientist at SILO
HERE WE GO
Before we dive into the evidence we’ve uncovered about the the projects going on at SILO, Nutrexo’s secretive research facility, let’s talk about the head scientist for a second.
Dr. Tara Snyder is known as an expert in her field. She’s an animal geneticist who has focused on cows for most of her career. That is, until a certain CEO who apparently has poor decision-making skills (*cough* Richard Caring *cough*) put her in charge of SILO, and she decided to shift her focus.
That’s when things got ugly.
WTF THIS slide makes no sense
OK then, allow me to break it down for you.
This very convoluted diagram attempts to show how Nutrexo profits from every part of the food chain.
First Step: Plant the seeds. And, guess what? Turns out that Nutrexo owns the patents on several seed varieties that are genetically engineered to be resistant to certain herbicides (including the super-toxic “Compadre” listed on this slide–which, by the way, is also owned by Nutrexo and is being developed at SILO).
But that’s only the beginning! Next, the crops are harvested. Nutrexo’s Top Three?
Of course, there’s corn, which is made into tons of other things: high-fructose corn syrup, corn oil, ethanol for biofuel, and feed for livestock.
Soybeans and wheat are also faves! These are turned into food ingredients like oils and flour, and are also used as livestock feed.
And about that livestock… Dr. Snyder has also been creating a genetically engineered breed of dairy cattle known as the EcoCows. More on that in the next slide, but the main takeaway is that Nutrexo-brand crops are turned into ingredients for processed foods, which are combined with milk byproducts from their breed of GE cows to create a new snack product: Blazin Bitz Crave.
The end result, according to Nutrexo?
aww cows are so cute
Yeah but this is just a stock photo.
IRL the EcoCows live inside tiny barn stalls, where they’re hooked up to milking machines 24/7. They’re forced to stand in their own manure, and are pumped full of antibiotics to prevent infections.
Does that sound eco-friendly to you?
Oh and BTW the government approved this milk for sale after seeing a few tiny studies that were conducted by Dr. Snyder and funded by Nutrexo. No independent safety investigations were done. Doesn’t it make you feel great, knowing that this GE milk is out there with no oversight?
This slide gives some background for the research project. A couple of things to highlight here:
- Blazin Bitz Crave were designed to be “extra-addictive.” (Their words, not mine.)
- Nutrexo just acquired a pharmaceutical company. (What does that have to do with anything? Glad you asked. Read on to find out.)
Anyway it’s pretty obvious what the whole point of this is, right?
LET’S GET THIS STUDY STARTED
So let’s get a few other details out of the way here:
Nutrexo recruited a bunch of people to come stay at SILO for 8 weeks and eat Blazin Bitz all day. They wanted them in a carefully controlled environment, and kept them cut off from the rest of the world by restricting their Internet access.
However, they were given a wide range of lots of other opportunities. Like, they could play video games all day! But only sanctioned ones (such as NutrexoWorld, the multiplayer role-playing game mentioned in the first slide). And they could watch TV shows! Which were frequently interrupted by commercials for Blazin Bitz.
Pretty sweet deal, right? Yeah, not so much. In order to actually find people willing to do this, they did a lot of recruitment in low-income neighborhoods and unemployment centers, preying on desperate people.
I don’t know what to say about this slide. It’s pretty boring.
Oh yeah, here’s something! That average age would probably be a LOT lower if these numbers accounted for the 4 additional study “subjects” that Dr. Snyder ABDUCTED AND BROUGHT TO SILO AGAINST THEIR WILL.
But that’s a story for another day…
so many numbers i can’t even
I’m no expert in statistics. But I tried to make sense of the Wikipedia article about p-values so that you don’t have to, and now I can say with reasonable certainty that these results are MESSED UP.
We know that high cholesterol and high blood pressure are bad, right? Basically these numbers show that EVERYTHING GOT WORSE for the people who were in the test group (the ones fed Blazin Bitz Crave, which was made using EcoCow milk).
And these results were statistically significant: the p-values for almost all of these markers are greater than 0.05, which means that there’s only a very small likelihood (<5%) that these numbers were due to chance.
But the even more disturbing piece is the interpretation of these results…
And here’s the real kicker
Read the last line again. Just let that soak in for a minute.
So. Instead of seeing these results and being like, whoa, this is bad, we’d better shut this thing down, Dr. Snyder is all
Yeah. SHE GOT EXACTLY THE RESULTS SHE WANTED.
Blazin Bitz Crave was deliberately engineered to be super-addictive. Nutrexo wants you to eat more, so that they get more $$$$ not only from the sales of the Bitz, but every step it takes to produce them. AND, let’s not forget that their pharmaceutical arm also reaps the profits!
But somebody’s got to pay for it. And guess who that is? Yup, it’s us. All of us who shovel the Bitz into our mouths enjoying that sweet, sweet burn.
The Bitz are Coming
Blazin Bitz Crave is hitting the market in just a few weeks. So, now that you know the truth, what are you going to do about it?
If you’re like, whatever dude, Blazin Bitz are delicious and I’ma keep eating em, then I hope you enjoy being a pawn in someone else’s game, because you, my friend, are being played. Don’t let them turn you into a mindless Bitz zombie with high cholesterol!
Here’s How to Fight Back:
- STEP AWAY FROM THE BITZ
- DO NOT BUY BLAZIN BITZ CRAVE
- DO NOT LET YOUR FRIENDS BUY BLAZIN BITZ CRAVE
- Join me in sharing the meme below. #BewareTheBitz
- Spread the word, and point people to this website!
Together, we can send a message to Nutrexo:
You can’t fool us.
Because wE know the truth.